Stuck...with my agency
Agency is a great thing. It really is. Now don't take me too seriously, but there are some days when I wonder ( only slightly) if the growth that comes from struggling and making our own decisions is really worth it. Life would be so much easier if someone else made life's big decisions for us.
I suffer from abulia, that is the inability to make decisions. It stems, partly from a lack of knowing what I want, but moreso from struggling to know if what I want is in line with what God wants for me. More than anything I want to do what God wants me to do and a lot of the time I have a VERY difficult time knowing what that is.
I chose a major in college out of shear desperation. I wanted to go to Medical School and become a doctor. But I didn't feel that was what God wanted. I honestly don't know that doing a major in Japanese was what He wanted me to do either, but I was running out of time and needed to graduate.
My poor husband knows this firsthand. And he can't say he didn't know this about me beforehand because I wrote him while he was on the mission and for about a year I would send a letter that said I had decided to go on a mission. Then the next would say, no I'm not going on a mission, then the next I was going on a mission, etc....
I know that Agency is one of the greatest gifts we are given. But sometimes doesn't it feel like we really don't have any agency if we want to be obedient and eventually return to our Heavenly Father? In talking with my husband I have come to think that part of our greatest struggle here on earth is to give up that personal agency to God, and like our Savior say " not my will, but thine."
Elder Maxwell used to talk about this all the time. I always remember him saying that our agency or our will is the only thing we have to offer Heavenly Father because he blesses us so much there is no way we can ever repay him except through our agency.
For the first time in my life there are some things that I KNOW I want to do, and yet the answer from Heaven is no, or not yet. Part of me wants to be defiant and do what I want to do, but I know that later I will regret it. I do want to give my will to the Lord because I know that he can do more with it and with me, than I can. But I had no idea the process would be so painful and hard. Has anyone else experienced this or thought about this? It is definitely something to think about......
posted by Cat @ 5/15/2006 01:56:00 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Catherine-
I loved your post. This is something I've thought about a lot -- particularly the idea that, like you said, "sometimes doesn't it feel like we really don't have any agency if we want to be obedient and eventually return to our Heavenly Father?"
I think that is exactly why revelation often doesn't flow. I think God wants to provide us with the opportunity to exercise our agency and benefit from the growth that comes from making our own decisions. Because, let's face it -- if we KNEW FOR SURE that there was a RIGHT answer to a decision, 9 times out of 10, I think we'd do it -- whether it lined up with our will or not. I mean, it's so easy to have faith when you know you're doing what God wants you to do, don't you think? But faith isn't supposed to be easy. It is supposed to require a step into the darkness.
In struggling with this myself, I've found that I generally have to move forward without a sure confirmation. Maybe that's because there is (cliche, I know) no right answer. I think that's often true. But more importantly, I believe it's because God knows us and trusts us and wants us to use the gifts, knowledge and abilities he's given us to make the best decision we can and step forward. We don't make a lot of progress being pulled along by someone else--even if that someone is God. And he, in his infinite wisdom, knows that.
Thanks for being so candid about how difficulties of personal revelation. I feel like that is something that is glossed over in the Church. You tend to hear only the "sucess" stories -- the powerful promptings that saved someone from some unforeseen and disastrous consequence. Rarely do you hear how often our prayers go quietly unanswered, how often Heavenly Father bounces them back to us as though saying, "Hey--I've trained you well. Now the ball is in your court."
Posted by Janelle
Thanks for your comments Janelle.
"let's face it -- if we KNEW FOR SURE that there was a RIGHT answer to a decision, 9 times out of 10, I think we'd do it -- whether it lined up with our will or not. I mean, it's so easy to have faith when you know you're doing what God wants you to do, don't you think?"
You put this so well!!
I think you are exactly right. Often I forget that we do have to take that step in the dark. There's a great talk by Elder Packer titled, "The Candle of the Lord" I think. I had forgotten about it, but much of what you said echos what Elder Packer said.
Some days I need that wake up call that not everything is as black and white as we think it is. Thanks!!
In talking with my husband I have come to think that part of our greatest struggle here on earth is to give up that personal agency to God, and like our Savior say " not my will, but thine."
Catherine, I understand what you're saying here. It's not always easy to sacrifice our will. And I find nothing more frustrating than feeling a prompt to abandon something that I've "studied out in my mind" and for which I've "asked in faith." (See D&C 9:8). I have definitely thought about this a lot, espcially lately.
One of my favorite aspects of Mormonism is that agency is more important than righteousness. Agency is so important that God would not compromise, even at the high cost of losing 1/3 of his children. When I struggle with making the right choice, I try to remember that agency isn't a curse, it's just that my options are so much more complex than I had anticipated.
As for harmonizing our will with God's, I am not sure what to think. It seems to me that there are 2 general schools of thought on this:
1 - God is involved in the intricacies of our lives. He cares where we work, what school we go to, which house to buy. When making these decisions, we should pray for guidance. An apropos hymn, or comment from a friend is attributed to the Lord's tender mercy, which does not occur randomly or by coincidence. God wants us to pray morning, day and night, in our closets and in public, over our flocks and crops. See Alma 34:8-27.
2 - As Janelle so adeptly states, "I've trained you well. Now the ball is in your court." Each of us has access to the plan of happiness (in scripture, etc.), but it's up to us to ponder these teachings, search out our options in the world, and make our own choices. God is less hands on, but there when we need him. We should search out for ourselves what's best, and take control of our choices. We don't show our deference to God through prayer, but by "stepping into the darkness," having faith that he'll be there. See D&C 58:26.
It is apparent in General Conference that certain Apostles subscribe to #1, others to #2. Personally, I relate better to the second theory. I imagine myself floating down a river in a small raft; drifting from side to side. If I want to ride the rapids, I paddle to the right, if I think there might be a rock, I paddle to the left. However, if I get too close to the banks (which are electrically charged), I get shocked and work my way back towards the middle.
In my life, the Lord has acted more as a protector, than a guide.
Of course, I realize that every person has a unique relationship with God (as they should). Your post indicates that you communicate with God differently than I do. However, I'm hoping that you'll find some comfort in knowing that I've felt the same frustrations. I think anybody who searches for God does.
Personally, I think God would rather we exercise our agency, even when we're confused about the future and avoid becoming paralyzed in the (impossible?) attempt to completely align our will with His. Agency is something he took very seriously - I don't think he wants it back.
Doug-
I SO appreciate your comments. You have touched on so many points that have really made me think. I have never thought of myself as "paralyzed" in trying to make the right decision, but I think you are absolutely right. Also, I had forgotten about D&C58:26,thank you for pointing that scripture out!!
I'm glad I am not alone in all this!! Thank you for your comments!!