Stuck...with my agency
Agency is a great thing. It really is. Now don't take me too seriously, but there are some days when I wonder ( only slightly) if the growth that comes from struggling and making our own decisions is really worth it. Life would be so much easier if someone else made life's big decisions for us.
I suffer from abulia, that is the inability to make decisions. It stems, partly from a lack of knowing what I want, but moreso from struggling to know if what I want is in line with what God wants for me. More than anything I want to do what God wants me to do and a lot of the time I have a VERY difficult time knowing what that is.
I chose a major in college out of shear desperation. I wanted to go to Medical School and become a doctor. But I didn't feel that was what God wanted. I honestly don't know that doing a major in Japanese was what He wanted me to do either, but I was running out of time and needed to graduate.
My poor husband knows this firsthand. And he can't say he didn't know this about me beforehand because I wrote him while he was on the mission and for about a year I would send a letter that said I had decided to go on a mission. Then the next would say, no I'm not going on a mission, then the next I was going on a mission, etc....
I know that Agency is one of the greatest gifts we are given. But sometimes doesn't it feel like we really don't have any agency if we want to be obedient and eventually return to our Heavenly Father? In talking with my husband I have come to think that part of our greatest struggle here on earth is to give up that personal agency to God, and like our Savior say " not my will, but thine."
Elder Maxwell used to talk about this all the time. I always remember him saying that our agency or our will is the only thing we have to offer Heavenly Father because he blesses us so much there is no way we can ever repay him except through our agency.
For the first time in my life there are some things that I KNOW I want to do, and yet the answer from Heaven is no, or not yet. Part of me wants to be defiant and do what I want to do, but I know that later I will regret it. I do want to give my will to the Lord because I know that he can do more with it and with me, than I can. But I had no idea the process would be so painful and hard. Has anyone else experienced this or thought about this? It is definitely something to think about......