For the most part I have considered myself to be fairly self-confident. Granted, everyone has their moments in adolescence when they wonder who they are and what their purpose is, and I am no different. However, I always had something to set myself apart from others.
I loved the scriptures as a teenager ( strange, I know) but I loved the stories and the teachings and in Sunday school, I knew all the answers and the stories. I felt special because I knew those things, and I loved surprising the teachers with how much I knew. ( Now I realize how LITTLE I actually knew but hindsight is always 20/20).
Maybe that was because during those years I was in podunk Idaho, but even in the huge cities in Japan, I felt confident. Maybe that was because I was a missionary and I knew I had a special purpose and I knew that the Spirit would guide us and Heavenly Father would protect us, no questions aksed.
But for some reason, in coming to Washington DC, I feel like I am experiencing an identity crisis.
I am just one of how many hundreds of thousands of people here? I am a mere peon in an office run by the Japanese government (though they won't admit it). People identify themselves differently here. " I'm Republican", "I'm a Democrat", " I have a Ph.D", "I'm going to law school" etc...
On top of all this, I have to figure out who I should be as a woman within the church. Part of me would really like to go back to school ( admid horrible fears that I will fail miserably) and while trying not to have heart attack at the thought of how much our combined student debt would be....
On the other hand, I also feel a strong push ( especially from Sheldon's mom- thanks) that we need to have children. I am actually excited at the thought of someday having children, but the time just doesn't seem right. And in this regard, I have found something interesting here.There have been some instances where I feel like I have been discriminated against because I AM NOT A MOTHER, yet. There is a certain mother, who, while friendly enough, seems to put a wall around her everytime I try to befriend her. She talks freely and spends lots of time with other "MOM"s, but because I don't have children, I feel like she is purposefully pushing me away.
In a sense I can see why over-identifying with one aspect of ourselves can be dangerous, as in Mom above, but what if you don't feel like you have a label that you can attach to yourself? I suppose that's not necessarily a bad thing. Knowing that we are children of our Heavenly Father and that He loves us should be enough of an identity, shouldn't it?
Anyway, I'm not quite sure what I wanted to say, but if anyone has any thoughts on any of the subjects on which i rambled, I would love to read them.